Sunday, February 17, 2008

A Letter from Heroin

My daughter has this letter she carries with her. I'll share it with you...

Dear GIRL:

I am so glad that you found me. I don't know how you did it, the only thing that matters is that you did. When we first started our love affair three years ago you felt distant and a little bit scared. When you finally put your complete and total trust in me, is when I had you by the heart and made you a slave to me. I knew you loved me very much because you devoted all your time, spare or not, to me. I can remember all the late nights and early mornings that we spent alone, just you and me. I can remember all the times I woke you up in the middle of the night to be with me,not able to go back to sleep until I complied.I can remember all the mornings I woke you up in so much pain,your legs throbbing so bad you couldn't put any weight on them. You vomitting up in the trash can you had beside the bed just for that occassion. I had you screaming out for me to come to the rescue, but I couldn't quite reach you because I'm not for free. But to no avail you would always find a way to find me. I had you lying, cheating, and stealing for me. Boy was I special! I can remember all the money I stole from your family and friends but you really loved me more and protected our relationship at any cost. I can remember all the hard earned money you spent, just so you could go to work. I can remember all the lies I made you tell your family about who or where you were because you felt guilty and ashamed. Remember when you thought you were hurting me by cheating on me with the zanax and valium? It didn't hurt, as a matter of fact, I thought it was funny because I knew you'd come crawling back. I was right. See, the truth is, I really don't give a shit about you, but I had you believing that I did. You were a puppet and me the puppeteer. How does it make you feel that I single handedly tore you apart, and messed your whole life up! I must be a powerful and wonderful thing to control you that way I have. Now, I understand you are going into treatment where I've sent you. I'm betting against you and your will power, because, you see I'm not finished with you yet! You see, I'm really not your friend, your partner or your confidant and lover. I really don't care if you succeed or are able to raise your children and function normally in society. I don't care how many rehabs you hide in, or if you spend the rest of your life in prison or a mental institution.
The only way I will be truly happy is when I have killed you!
Forever yours,

I realize you think that I love you and you think that I will never ever leave you. Well, your wrong. Dead wrong. I remember how you messed up my whole life. You made me lie, cheat and steal from my friends and family. You made me feel ashamed of myself. How you took my soul. Well it's over I have a new friend and his name is SUBOXONE. He will keep you away from me. You will not enter my mind. I have erased you from my mind. I only focus on SUBOXONE. He is my friend, my confidant, and my protector now. You are evil. I hate you. I will think of you from time to time but I am free of you forever. You will never take my soul again. GIRL



Just a note: When on Suboxone I forgot a lot of stuff too.......
I don't know if she is still on Sub's but you may want to check into decreasing her dose.

I have shared time and time again that it was on MY BODY that let me know it was time to taper down.

I was lucky enough to have a doctor that actually trusted me. What a concept, huh? But he truly understood my fear of relapse and withdrawal. So he allowed ME to tell HIM when I needed to decrease my dosage......

Godspeed in your journey!


heroine/girl said...

Hey beautiful two,

I had an amazing idea today for my book and I wanted you both to be the first ones to know.

The book *also a blog for the first say, 5 chapters. is open letters to my mother, whom I have been separated for nearly twenty much I have to tell her, to let her face what I went through alone, seeking mother bound comfort in heroin's arms.
My mother was a heroin addict and working girl too, I think I did it just to understand why she could leave me, how could she live with herself. I wonder if she is in recovery like I am. My health is my own gift.

Mother and daughter, you are so precious, it is beyond tears and pain and the bond you share will be the true rope that pulls you through this darkness. Hold tight, you are coming up to the sunshine.
Don't give up on her, Mummy.

(crying now)


erinsav said...

That is quite a letter. It's really great that your daughter is looking for constant reminders of just where heroin left her.

I guess that is the biggest part of recovery...keeping our addiction fresh in our minds so that we are never fooled into ending up there again.

Mara said...

I have batteling SEVERE heroin addiction for 10 years. I have similar letters like this (of course in rehabs) and i completely relate it eveything that is said... and so much more. but i am happy to say that i have been clean for over a year and i gave birth to my first child. A little girl. She is my absolute everything...certainly my angel, she saved my life. The day i found out I was pregnant, I cleaned up my messed up, disgusting life 100% I am truly blessed. I used to beg for death and ask god...or watever there is out there to let me not wake up, every single night. But today, I thank my high power for allowing me to wake up to such a wonderful life, and for the wellbeing of my family. i just cant say enough about how wonderful it is to be finally be free!

Anonymous said...

I had been a heroin addict and I agree 100% heroin will kill you or ruin your life. I have lost a lot of people to heroin. And I know that hopeless feeling where you feel like your only friend is heroin and its the only thing that understands you. I promise heroin is out to kill u or put u away in prison or a mental institution. But I promise I was that person who was content with living the rest of my life on heroin or dieing from a overdose. But there is more to life then that next shot or how ever you choose to use that drug .

Anonymous said...

I hate to be a downer ... but the letter about suboxone bothers me. Drug replacement can work, but calling it your protector, confidante and friend is a slippery slope. I've seen too many that abuse suboxone, just as they did other drugs. And all that have been on suboxone have said to me it is even harder to get off of than heroin.

In my experience... bute the bullet. Learn to deal with cravings. They are a part of life in recovery. Go to meetings... get a sponsor ... build a support group. THAT is your friend, your confidante and your protector. Work some steps. You're not alone in your struggle... ahare it with other like yourself. The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. Together we can do what i could never do alone... just for today