Saturday, February 2, 2008

My Daughter Woke Up in a Different Place Today

One day she was a 17 year old heroin user...then she was tired, sick and frustrated...then she was scared, really scared. Scared of where she'd been, what she'd done, the friends she'd lost, the lies she told. She's been using seboxone for almost two months now. Today, we had a real conversation. She sat down at the bar in the kitchen looked at me and said, "Mom, I'm really scared. I've been in a dark place and I'm scared". Her eyes welled up. I asked her what she meant and she said "I'm not in that place anymore and I feel scared and sad." We talked for an hour or so about her feelings, what made her scared, where she wanted to go from here. She wants to go to college next year. She wants to continue her seboxone and counseling and she never wants to use heroin again. What bothers her the most is that she doesn't know who she is anymore. She said she felt as though she just woke up in a different place, as a different person. Someone she doesn't really know. I know that person. That person is my daughter.


erinsav said...

It's really tough to figure out what the real you is.

I can honestly say that it's been just a little over a year of me being in recovery and I'm still finding a lot of things out about myself.

There will be times when your daughter feels confident about herself and her now way of life and there will be times when she doesn't...that's just the way it goes.

On those times when she doesn't feel so confident she just needs to remember that those times will pass. All she has to do is hang on and let it happen.

heroine/girl said...


I am so touched by your love and concern for your daughter. My name is heroine/girl and I am writing a book on my memoirs. I found you through tui, another beautiful soul. I have two blogger blogs and I have wrote as a user, a relapsed addict, an survivor and now, my quest to be a thriver.

I would be happy to offer my journals to you and my ongoing journey. I am close to graduating and becoming a recovery coach, not just for users but for the support network.

You are a miracle mum, bless your beautiful heart. May love find you both happiness and safety.

Renee a.k.a HG

Anonymous said...

I commend you for standing by your daughter, Addiction is a horrible disease but you can beat it and win. Soboxone is and can be a wonderful drug to help beat addiction but Soboxone is not a long time drug to be taken lightly. If you trade one drug for another what have you accomplished. I am a 11 year addict and have battled this many years. This first time I got clean, really clean was about 4 years ago. There is a real good form on the internet on and a complete stranger helped me more than any dr. His user name is Robert_325
He walked me through the induction to get on Soboxone and stayed with me the whole time. I could not of gotten through the whole process without his help only at the time I didn't know just how badly I needed his help or just how much he was helping me along with everybody else that gave me support on that forum. I would suggest that you go on and go to the community part of the site and look up any post by robert_325. What I am trying to say is that getting your daughter to talk about her problem online is a wonderful idea and if she will just do it, she will find there are hundreds of thousands of us leaning on each other like no other group in the world. Please try to get here to read and post. It is complete anonymous. Anyway back to what I was saying about Soboxone, it is a wonderful drug if used correctly. I am not a Dr by any means but I have years of experience with this disease and I am still battling it. The trick to using Soboxone is to make it short term, like 6 to 8 weeks, 10 at the most. If she really wants to get off the drugs and stay off then you need a support system for a very long long time but the Soboxone for only a short time or you will become addicted to Soboxone which is not something you want to become. It is very easy for someone to get down to 4mg a day with in about 10 days. Then you should taper from there. I had to figure out what worked for me as she will as well. I dropped one half mg ever 10 days or so untill I was at a half of mg and stayed there for about 2 weeks sometimes skipping a day when I thought I could. Soboxone has such a long half-life that you can do this if you can mentally handle it. Then started cutting that in half. This is the hardest part. Once your down to just crumbs its a good idea to have a placebo of some kind, something else to take or put in your mouth other than drugs, this helps to trick your mind that you have taken something. This may not work for her but its food for thought, I can just tell you what worked for me. Getting off opiates is a very personal decision and must not be taken lightly. Its a tough battle but she can do it. Sticking with her is no easy thing either, she is lucky to have you, a mothers love is a major plus in this battle. I wish you luck and success with this. It can be done. I'm sorry if any of my advise sounds silly but that is how I did it and what worked for me, that along with a lot of Prayer. I believe that all things are possible with God.

Good Luck and many prayers