Monday, January 19, 2009
Daughter Update
Good news. She's still not using heroin. YAY! She's still okay, actually better than okay. Seems to be adapting to life without heroin...and all the crap that goes with it. Funny, how some of the things I told her a long time ago she's recalling now. Like the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, Albert Einstein. I love that one. Anyway, things are going really well...and I have to admit that I'm really proud of her. How'd she break away from her love affair with heroin? Suboxone and lots of counseling by an addiction counselor...I don't think one works without the other.
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hi again i wrote about my boyfriend at the end of march and im just now finding time to get back on here. still no sucess with him. his doctor does test him weekly but he also know how to work the system, he knows that he cant use 2 days before the doctors so he doesnt. his mom gave him a surprise test and he passed but i know hes using still. all the signs are there. hes a nasty person to everyone when he uses. he says hes sick of himself. he says he hates that everytime he walks into a room everyone studies him to see if he is high. he talks all the time about getting himself together and ive tried to help by not being judgemental.its gotten to the point i search his things all the time because i dont believe a word he says.i try and remember the sweet amazing person he was when we first met and that person does come back occasionally.that is the person i love and adore. his mom and i talk alot about this because we are the only ones who really understands the situation--she said at least i have the option to walk away she cant because shes the mom.how sad is that. he has kids and even the kids know about his drug use--its sad.hell be clean for a week and have all these great ideas in his head and then it disappears.i told him that he is the only person that can change his ways, not me, the kids, his mom, or friends can, just him.he says i dont know the battle of the everyday he goes thru. of course i dont but i am an open ear i will listen.i love him with all my heart but i dont even like the drug him and ive told him that. he tells me he know im here and that its very much appreciated and he loves me. he thanks me for dealing with so much and said just a little more time and he'll get there. then...he uses again.is so draining.its gotten to the point where i feel like im not a good enough girlfriend because i dont use and i cant relate to that part of his life.i said if he loses me he wont have nothing and thats not being stuckup its the truth--everyone has turned their backs to him.i dont want anything bad to happen and my worst fear is him not waking up next to me, but i honestly dont know how much more i can go thru. its nice just to vent even though we dont know each other.
Are you sure he's taking his suboxone [little orange pill]? Do you watch him take it? He should be putting it under his tongue and letting it dissolve completely...
in his mouth...no spitting it out.
If he's taking his suboxone correctly then he shouldn't even be able to get high when he uses. [I think it's different if he's taking the subutex [white pill].
Suboxone has a 50% half life. Meaning if you take 8mg today, you will have 4 mg left in your system in 24 hours. The next 24 hours you will have 2mg in your systems and the next 24 hours you will have 1mg in your body. Day five you will have nothing in your system...
If he's taking the suboxone correctly and still has cravings he needs to talk to his Doctor about increasing his dosage.
Suboxone makes you look [pinned eyes] like your high. It sometimes makes you sleepy and tired. It can also give you horrible headaches and make you feel as though you have a fever...it effects everyone differently.
Make sure he's taking the suboxone. Remember he's still the guy you love...he's just struggling with the demon. Don't trust him but don't let him know that...don't talk about his addiction.
Just let him know that you love him and you know that he'll get through this...
Stay strong.
me with the boyfriend again. sunday night we just went to a memorial for his cousin who passed from aids from drug use. she was 36 yrs old. it was so emotional for me and his mother. both of us pictured it being his viewing. i know he takes the suboxen because his mother has control of it and she gives it to him so he cant sell or abuse it. he has the dialated eyes while taking it. i went to the doctors the last appt with him but i did not go in the room. i think he manipulated the doctor as well. i was sleeping restless next to him one night and i had to watch him physically shoot himself while he was sleeping. he was going thru the motions of sticking the needle in him while he was asleep. it was painful to watch. we are all having nightmares of finding him dead. we were hoping this viewing this weekend would at least open his eyes. but his point of view was she died from aids not drugs.my love for him is not going to make him stop and i know this he has to want to. i need to vent so i can try and help him. thank you again.
I'm very sorry for your loss 36 is just too young to die. I can imagine how emotional it was to experience that especially with what you're going through now.
Well, the good thing is as long as he's taking the suboxone he can't really get high even if he uses heroin. The longer he's on the suboxone the better too...it sounds like he's gonna get through this. It just takes time and relapse is a part of it. He's very lucky to have you and his Mom there for him but at the same time he may feel as though you guys are ganging up on him and that probably sparks some of his frustration.
I would have been really sad to him dreaming about shooting up...he still misses the way it made him feel all warm and cozy, like the world was the best place ever....no problems ....no worries...just peaceful...heroin is a nasty addiction. The addiction is still there inside his brain just waiting for him to stop using the suboxone. Don't let him stop using it and please make sure his Mom watches him take the suboxone. I know that sounds dumb at his age but if he's dreaming about it...he's probably going to try to get away with not taking his suboxone so he can go get high. I'm not saying he will but hey if he gets a chance he probably will.
I know how you feel about venting...it helped me alot. It's sometimes comforting to know that your not alone to deal with watching someone you love struggle with heroin addiction. I do know that he takes the appropriate dose of suboxone for at least 6 months straight he should start to realize that he can live without heroin....it's like a switch that goes off in their brain. I don't know if that happens to everyone but that's the way it was for my daughter. She relapsed twice.
Stay strong-it will get better it just takes time.
thank you and i will keep you posted.him and i had a heart to heart this weekend on a spontaneous drive to the beach. i hope there is going to be light at the end of this tunnel but i have doubts. he told me things that he said he has never told anyone. it helped me understand his need to erase pressure and pain but not the need for herion of course.alot is going to happen if he continues to use and all of us are going to stand our ground. he will loose everything. his mother and i sat down and expressed ourselves to him face to face --instead of just talking to each other. i said it may feel like we are ganging upon you but we only want you to be better, and even though we hate when you use it doesnt mean we dont want you to be here.now all we can do is wait for him to realize and be ready to change and want to stop.
That's good. Hopefully everything will start to change and he'll realize that he needs to be strong. He's very lucky to have you and his family. There are so many people out there who have no one...Be aware. Stay strong.
boyfriend update. i left him. he ended up stealing money from me and getting high with it and that is something i am not going to tollerate. i work 2 jobs and i struggle to get by and he knew this and stole from me anyway. i called the police when i found the needles in his bookbag and had him escorted from my house. they couldnt arrest him because i took the needles out of the bookbag and tried to hand them to the police and they couldnt prove they were his. they clearly saw he was high when they came into my house and there was blood on the napkin the needles were in all they had to do was test it but i didnt know. i panicked. i thought someon had come into my house uninvited and took my money and it was his all along. now im dealing with the whole he never loved me anyway messages and his mother turned her back on me for callin the cops. she said that was wrong but she called them last week on him for violating probation and he has no clue, she admitted that to me. his daughter told me that she feels sorry for me having to see her daddy on drugs. shes 7. i did everything i could. i feel completely empty and hopeless because he keeps sending me horrible messages. i dont know if they are true or not but it still hurts. he said he only wanted me for money beer and cigarettes anyway.i know deep down i did everything if not more. now i have to deal with a broken heart on my 30th birthday which is 2 day but you can lie and take advatange of me up until a certain point. you steal from me when im already struggling and thats crossing the line.i can now only hope nothing horrible happens to him or his family and im sure my hurt will fade overtime.thank you fro letting me vent. hope your daughter is still well.
I'm so sorry this had to happen to you...especially on your birthday.
He doesn't mean anything he's saying to you right now. He's lashing out because he feels bad about not being strong enough to stop using...He wants to make everything bad that's happening to him your fault, his moms fault and probably even his daughters fault. Don't take any of it personally.
His little daughter...what do you think this is doing to her...what a horrible thing to grow up knowing your dad is a drug addict. Poor little thing. She's very strong. She's reaching out to you to make you feel better. What a kind-hearted child.
No matter what his mother says you did the right thing. His mother is his mother and she wants to protect him. She's hurting too because she doesn't know what to do either. It's difficult dealing with an addict it's as though time stops for you and the addict, well, continues to be an addict. He needs to find his own way and you need to let him. This might be the best thing that ever happened to him. He will eventually find his way back to you when he's straightened out his life. You'll know if he's okay or not.
Don't worry though things will get better for you, they always do. Think positive. Smile everyday, okay, and hang in there. Just take a couple of weeks and focus on yourself and things will fall into place. I know it's hard but think about yourself... Keep in touch and let me know how you are.
hi again me who left the guy on heroin. this last week had been extremely hard. mostly like an emotioinal roller coaster. i think about him all the time and have constant worry on my mind. i keep looking at pictures of us and it doesnt make anything easier but i really dont feel i can eliminate our memories. i miss him and his daughter terribly. i sent a letter to his mom apologizing to her if i betrayed her family. she did call and say she wasnt upset with me but i dont really know if i believe her. she called the day she got the letter & said this wasnt my fault which iknow but i still feel like a failure because i couldnt help. i havent heard from him at all. it should be so easy to walk away but it hurts. i was with someone for 4 years before him that cheated on me and i dont know which hurt is worse. ill keep you posted and all i can do is hope & pray i guess.
me on the same story again, he started on a methadone program at the university hospital. he starts the actual medication on this coming wednesday. i did actually talk with him on thurs last week. he apologized for saying the things he said to me and he said he didnt mean it. he still swears he didnt take my money which i know is a lie.maybe if the methadone program works ill get the truth. it was good to hear his voice. this past sunday his daughter was baptised -he didnt attend. i in fact did and the family asked if id be her god mother which i accepted. it was such an emotional experience. i decided to be baptised with her and hopefully put all of this into gods hands. when i went back to his moms house after i didnt get to talk to him becasue she said he was withdrawling and couldnt have anything in his system or they wouldn't medicate him this week. everyone left the room and he came to fix food. i got up from the table and just walked over to him and hugged him. he hugged me back, but neither of us said anything to each other. he looked good even though he was sick. he was clean shaved and cut his hair. i slipped a note under his door saying i hope things work on this program and id still be there if he needed suport. i don't know if we'll be back together or not any time soon because he needs to get himself togeher. his daughter is going away for a month with her uncle and she leaves this weekend. hopefully when she returns she'll have the start of her daddy back. seeing him just those few seconds made me miss him so much. all i can do now is turn my faith over and hope it's going to be ok.his daughters mother is on the same program hes going to and she is doing well. i can't say shes fully recovered because there is always a chance of falling but everyday is a new day and everyday adds up. hopefully it will be the same for him. i do love him with all my heart even after all hes put me through. right now i have to let him do this and if he needs me ill be here.
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